Applied Physics

Never do anything without a running start.

High-fives never get old.

Play all you can and sleep when you must.

Live every moment like it’s the best ever.

Anything can be an adventure.

A big sigh and a nap is a great way to end a day.

You’re never too old for a kiddie pool.

It’s ok to be clumsy.

It’s fun to get dirty.

Sometimes you bring the ball back, sometimes you don’t.

Cups and tails don’t mix.

Smiles are infectious.

Cuteness is power.

Coconuts make great toys.

Rolling around in the grass is so worth it.

Mud is awesome.

Food is awesome.

The world is your napkin.

Stop to smell the flowers.

Stop to smell everything.

Sometimes you fall on your face.

Making friends is as easy as a hello and a game of tag.

Water is for splashing.

Snow is for burrowing.

Blankets are also for burrowing.

Clothing is optional.

Jump in every body of water you see.

Greet everyone.

Shake it off.

Nuzzling rules.

The most unlikely things can be delicious.

Stretch.

Always be yourself.

Watch birds.

Chase lizards.

Words are unnecessary.

Run as fast as you can.

Love unconditionally.

This one isn’t quite an interview…yet.

I saw another ad on craigslist – a vague one, naturally. Someone was looking to hire “phone chat” girls who spoke with no accent. They promised “NO DIRTY TALK.” I wasn’t exactly sure what other kind of phone chat lines there were, so I was intrigued. Obviously, I replied.

I received an e-mail response with more information about the position.

The e-mail reiterated that they were a NON-dirty phone chat line, and they made clear that I MUST be able to B.S. because, “We do a LOT of B.S.in-g.” Oh, that sounds lovely, tell me more! They were specifically looking for females who sounded 24 or younger, but of course no younger than 18. That would be creepy. Halfway through the e-mail it comes out that this is a sales job. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, I mean, how else could you make money with a non-dirty phone chat line? The problem is, what exactly is being sold? And why do these men (who are apparently all over 30) have to be seduced by a young woman to buy it?

The e-mail brings up the whole concept of being able to B.S. several more times. They also say they are looking for real “man-eaters.” I’m not really sure the last time I put “exceptional ability to B.S. and total man-eater” under my resume skills heading. The best part of the whole e-mail, however, was the fact that it included a number to call to hear a sample voice. They said to call this number, and if your voice sounds like hers, give them a call – you’ve got what it takes. So, of course, I call to hear this sample. This girl sounds to be about 13. Not even a mature 13 – I’m talking 13 with a lunchbox, skipping home from school.

There is another number listed to set up an interview – and the e-mail is signed simply, “Bob from the Chat-Lines.”

I don’t know how it’s possible, but this is the shadiest ad I’ve answered to date.

Am I curious enough to call? I’m not sure, but Bob from the Chat-Lines makes it pretty enticing.

The only jobs that seemed to be constantly hiring in my area were sales jobs. I’m not the type of person who feels comfortable pushing someone to give up money when they probably don’t want to, but I was starting to feel desperate after two months of being unemployed. So, I decided I’d give it a shot.

I found an ad on craigslist for a sales job that was literally around the corner from my house. It was vacation sales – the ad assured that there was no cold calling, and all leads were folks who had previously signed up to win a discounted vacation. The job was simply calling these people and getting them to pay for said vacation. Ok, maybe I can do this.

I submitted my resume and received a call almost immediately. I showed up that night for an interview.

The office was in one of those buildings that I’m pretty sure used to be a seedy motel. The manager was a big guy, missing half of his teeth. He seemed nice. He called me into his office to tell me a little bit about the job. Meanwhile, I guess it was too much to ask that he turn off the giant HD TV hanging on the wall. He asked if I could come in the next morning to start. I could, and I did. The hours were short, the commissions were good, and if I could manage even just 4 sales a week, I’d have it made – so why not?

I arrived the next morning around 10. When I walked into the office, I found only the manager and one other employee. While the manager gathered some training materials for me, I had no choice but to check out the other employee. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, so she was kind of hard to miss. She looked to be about 13, but her face looked more like 50. She was missing most of her teeth, thinned hair up in pigtails, wearing a red Christmas sweater and a plaid schoolgirl skirt. The best part was the scrunch socks and Keds, though. The ankle bracelets on top of the socks were a nice touch, too.

She spent about 15 minutes screaming at the manager while he was trying to talk to me. She had apparently forgotten to file some paperwork the day before, and she didn’t want to lose out on her commission. I’m pretty sure it’s more that she didn’t want to lose out on her next dose of meth, but that’s just me.

I decided that I couldn’t take much more screaming, so I reached for the key to the bathroom down the hall. I figured I’d just take a breather and figure out if I could really spend 6 hours a day with these people. Turns out, one of the female managers had just walked in and offered to show me where the ladies room was – and unlock it for me. Interesting, I thought. I didn’t even have to return the key to the office. This was my chance.

I spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom  wondering how weird it would be if I just fled. I finally realized that these people didn’t even know my name – they kept having to be reminded.

So, left the bathroom, snuck around the corner into the stairwell and never returned again.

I wonder if anyone even noticed.